and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
