I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
