I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
