...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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