I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
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You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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