This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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