Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
