You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
