Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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