yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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