So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
