did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
