highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
