I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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