I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
