I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
