Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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