If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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