i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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