Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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