i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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