we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
