I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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