new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
