I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
