the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
