...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
