I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Who wears a wallet chain?!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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