No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He shit in the fireplace
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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