I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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