I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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