I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
