Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
