god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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