Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
