I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
