I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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