on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
