I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
