I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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