Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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