dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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