I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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