the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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