So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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