And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Can I color on your dick again?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
