Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
