I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
