Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
