I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
