I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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