I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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