Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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