meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
