____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
