I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
