His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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