how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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